Am I good person?
Forgive me for not saying anything the past month. Life got in the way and I needed to take some time for myself (aka I was too lazy to write this). But I have something sitting on my heart that I need to talk about. Living in Newcastle has taught me many things like that Vegemite is gross and I’m addicted to TimTams. Though this adventure has been enlightening I still struggle with discovering who I am. I’ve been struggling with a question concerning my character and that is do I consider myself a good person? Many of you would say, “Of course you are Mckenna”, that’s because most of people who read this know me well enough to know my heart. For those who don’t know me well enough may be questioning the same thing, is this stranger a good person or is she actually a crazy, horrible person? To clarify for you I am little crazy, but not like Amy Dunne crazy (yes, the woman from Gone Girl).
I have been struggling with this idea for a couple weeks now. Because I love lists, I decided that the best way to figure this out was by making two lists. To start I have listed out all my flaws, and shortcomings. My second list highlighted all the redeeming qualities about myself. You may be thinking that this process is a waste of time because people can’t only be defined by a list and you would be right. There are a variety of aspects that make up who we are. But I like to think of this strategy as a self-awareness exercise. If you’re not aware of your own faults, then there’s no real way you can improve yourself. I would share my entire list but some things feel a little too personal to share with the world so I’ve only included a few.
- Difficulty starting/following through with tasks
- Critical of self & others
- Strong willed
For those who know me you may not agree with everything, while some of you may think all of this is true. As I said earlier this is how I see myself from my perspective, you may or may not see me very differently. So, as I spent these past weeks I looked over these lists again and again trying to evaluate if my strengths outweighed my faults. I spent a lot of time calculating every quality about myself trying to depict a secret code that would tell me if I was an overall good person. During this time, I prayed a lot and I’m not joking I mean A LOT. I would pray in the morning, at night, in the shower, in the mirror, in class, in yoga (instead of mediating I was talking to Jesus which I know defeats the purpose of quieting the mind). I believe God has created me as a whole, flaws and all. But did those flaws turn me into someone that I shouldn’t be proud of?
Being self aware means understanding where you can improve
My conclusion came to me the other night when I was praying and talking to myself in the shower. I have flaws, I have strengths. I came to realize that I’m not perfect (ask my parents they will tell you), I make mistakes and there are qualities about me that even I don’t like. There is still a lot of work to do to become the person I am striving to be. Taking the time to have this little self-evaluation pushed me to not only better myself, but work on learning to love myself despite my faults. Self-awareness alone has given me the answer I needed. Being a good person means taking responsibility for your own actions, and understanding your faults are only that; just faults. Faults are just lemons waiting to be turned into lemonade (I mean delicious American lemonade, not canned sprite my lovely aussie friends). Good people aren’t always good, and bad people aren’t always bad. There isn’t any secret code (trust me, I looked) to figure out if you’re a good person. If you have compassion, love, and grace for those around you as well as yourself, you’re already ahead of the game.